The problem with “shoulds”

Let me make an informed guess:

Right now, when it comes to making a change you want to make happen, there’s something that you didn’t do, even though you knew that you “should” do it.

I’d actually bet there’s a good chance that “should” is rattling around somewhere in your head, possibly creasing your brow, making your eyes frown, your teeth grind or even your head duck away from an imaginary blow

(for me, the “should” always shows up in a muscle to the lower left of the back of my neck, without fail – I’ve come to appreciate it as my “early warning system”)

And, if you have 2 or more things that you know you “should” be doing, there’s a really strong chance that they’re colliding with each other, and you’re beginning to form a story about yourself:

“I’m one of those people who can’t commit to the changes they want to make.”

That’s the story of being stuck

(been there, designed the t-shirt, wore it for far, far too long)

So, what did I learn about “shoulds”?

It’s really simple, and really specific.

They hate – and I mean HATE – being visible.

Not only that, but when we make them visible, and challenge whether we’re willing to accept them, they quickly morph from “I should…” into “I will…”

Then, if we keep them visible for just long enough by doing the thing we “should” have been doing all along, they finally morph one final time into “I am…”

This is how I stopped smoking in 2003. It’s how I dropped 50lb in weight in 2018. It’s how I grew my business after leaving Pfizer.

And most recently, it’s why I’m totally comfortable saying that I’ve just crossed day 90 without any alcohol.

Should >> Will >> Doing >> Am

Let’s look at an example.

“I should eat better if I want to lose weight…”

Well, duh!

Over time, I learned that, for me, this became a series of “I will…” statements:

• I will eat protein-heavy meals
• I will eat only limited amounts of whole carbohydrates
• I will restrict my eating window to 6 hours per day

(and, of course, over time, I worked out what the specifics were under each of them – it works for me, but please do not consider them a blanket recommendation)

These come together as:

“I will eat towards my target weight”

which is lovely, but doesn’t mean anything without the doing, does it?!

You see, change is a living thing, it happens in each moment where you don’t do the old thing, but do the new thing. Said differently, change is done.

And the only question that counts becomes:

“Did I do the thing yesterday?”

Ask it daily, keep track, adjust your next behavior. That’s how this works

(i.e. how I’m now able to say “I am maintaining a healthy weight”)

Should >> Will >> Doing >> Am

For now though, Step 1 is simply this – shine a light on your “shoulds” – write them out so you can see them

(the biggest mistake is to keep them rattling around in your head – they will scurry off into the shadows, where they can party-down with negative psychological patterns until they seem bigger, worse-r and ultimately unachievable)

Write them out:

I should…
I should…
I should…

Then, comment below and tell me the first one you’re going to turn into an “I will…”