Personal transformation is one of those phrases.
Like authenticity… empathy… leverage… we use them as short-hand to distill down complex concepts into bite-size chunks.
In many ways, we live in meme-world
(I’m using the psychological term here – Meme: A meme is an idea, behavior, or piece of culture that has the capacity to replicate into future generations. It can be thought of as the basic unit of replication for cultural evolution; Psychology Today)
where how we interpret and filter our reality is densely scripted by shortcuts and meme-driven short-hand.
So, when I say “personal transformation”, your brain floods with images, sensations, opinions, values… all of which cumulatively let you understand what I mean by personal transformation.
Except…
Your interpretation and my intent aren’t the same things necessarily, are they?
It’s all in the misunderstanding
Generally, personal transformation is viewed as becoming something, or someone, you weren’t before.
Losing weight… You become thin.
Overcoming addiction… You become sober.
In an 80s movie, taking your glasses off and shaking your hair loose of the elastic… You become inexplicably beautiful.
(tee-hee)
This definition/understanding of personal transformation troubles me.
It’s based in “lack” thinking, that you’re somehow not “enough” and that the only way to become “enough” is to be “different”
(Will I be enough? is the first great human fear)
Whole industries have been built on the back of self-shaming you into buying their product – I mean, how many of us have unused gym equipment squirreled away from when we were really committed to getting fit and toned?
(believe me, my basement tells that story)
Personal transformation, we understand, is the solution to our lack of… What? Confidence? Love? Self? Esteem? Any and/or all, I guess – but it’s a story of “you are failing” dressed up in “as you are, there is no way you can achieve confidence/love/self/esteem/etc…”
And that, right there, is what I think is the big misunderstanding: i.e. that personal transformation turns you into someone else.
I disagree.
I think we always know who we are at our core, and most of use are confused not by that knowledge, but instead by the roles we are forced to adopt by society as we grow to adulthood.
Career is the most obvious – how many people define their identity by their job.
In America especially, why is the first question: “Hi, what do you do?”
Not “Hi, what makes you happy?”
Nor “Hi, what has you excited today?”
Nor “Hi, who do you love most?”
Nope. We ask what someone does for a job.
(this is how deeply we are conditioned to serve corporate/capitalist structures)
But go further, think of ALL the societal roles that we exist within: Parent, child, brother, sister, sibling, friend, manager, leader, guru, and on, and on, and on…
Each of them is a costume, a mask, a role. And we have little choice but to wear them, lest we be ostracized for being an oddball
(abandonment – will I lose love? – is the second great human fear)
and in wearing each mask, we compromise some of our essential self.
We might be a free spirit living deep within an artistic muse – yet have to schedule the school run and weekend parties for the kids.
We might be a competitive athlete driven to win – yet slowed down by the inevitable team collaboration of most workplaces.
Compromise. We all have to do it.
And the compromises a) build up; and b) hurt.
So we buy-in to the personal transformation misunderstanding: this sucks, I’ll become someone else!
Only we don’t, do we? Our essential self is still who it is, and we’re actually just grafting on a whole new set of compromises.
Redefining personal transformation
For me personal transformation is much better positioned as a return to your essential self; a journey back to who you really are
(I write about this at length in The Way Through The Mountains)
It’s about stripping away all the roles, masks, costumes and compromises, cutting it all clear until we are able to be fully in our:
- STRENGTHS – how we do what we do
- PURPOSE – why we do what we do
- OPPORTUNITY – the change we make happen
And I think, while we may be deep in avoidance and/or denial
(after all, the world has tried to persuade you not to be your essential self)
we all know these things things when we are truly open to our mind, body, spirit and soul.
With that in mind, here’s an exercise.
Grab some alone time. Put on some music that you know opens your heart (even if only a little). On a fresh sheet of paper answer this question as many times as you can:
Before I became [societal role] I used to love to [do/be/feel this thing]
then brainstorm out all the ways you could get back closer to it.
I’ll go first.
Before I became an adult, and concerned with being attractive/cool, I used to love to dance. I really did. And it makes me sad that I don’t really dance any more, because I become really self-conscious when I do.
I can transform that though, right? I can get back closer to that my free self. Dancing isn’t going to kill me, or leave me abandoned. Next time I could dance, I’ll dance. If I want to be directional in my transformation, I might seek out opportunities to dance.
See how it works? No shame, just getting back to something I loved to do/be/feel.
Try it yourself, let me know how it goes!